Town Plagued by Striped Terror

Little Bend, SD – Multiple sightings have been reported over the past few weeks, in Little Bend, South Dakota, of a creature that cannot be immediately identified by zoologists. Witnesses have described the creature as something resembling a human, appearing only briefly, clad in stripes, and disappearing into crowds, or barber-pole factories.

Crypto-zoologists have been called to the scene (including one authority on the subject, Martin Handford), to see if any validity can be leant to the local rumors. Folk-lore from the area names the creature an Odlaw. The creatures of myth were said to appear to youngsters, cleverly hidden in plain sight, with no real purpose or motivation. Eventually, children would learn of their hiding places (which never changed) and would speed through, just to get to the end.

The Odlaw has been seen in various iterations, including female and dog-shaped. Speculation on this creature has abounded ever since the first Yllaw (Odlaw’s British cousin) was captured alive last year.

I AM THE PRESS would like to thank amateur photographer Rachel Spiegelman for her candid photo of the beast.

Champ Bailey Called For Inexcessive Celebration

Pittsburgh, PA -- Denver Broncos cornerback Roland "Champ" Bailey was fined $10,000 Sunday in his game against the Pittsburgh Steelers for what referees are calling “inexcessive celebration”, for running a 65-yard touchdown after an interception in the fourth quarter. Upon completing the touchdown, Bailey calmly placed the ball on the ground and returned to his team, where mild congratulations were exchanged between the defensive secondary.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin calls this a flagrant act of unsportsmanlike conduct. “My boys are playing hard out there, and that was an amazing interception. To not show any hint of celebration is a terrible offense to the players who are trying their hardest, like it was nothing.”

Fans are equally outraged. “No Lambeau Leap, no funky chicken, nothing,” complained lifelong Steelers fan Vince Johnson. “And after what Brian Celek did last week with Captain Morgan, it’s just shameful.”

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels has come out in defense of the cornerback. “It’s time to end the ‘inexcessive celebration’ rule. This is an issue that strikes at the very roots of the sport we all love. When a player makes an amazing catch or runs an impressive return, he has EARNED the right to be a little humble.”

McDaniels also presented a brief statement from Bailey, which simply stated that the player was sorry for any offense he had given, and was prepared to quietly pay the fine and let the matter settle, adding fuel to the anger of Steelers fans everywhere.

“This insult is disgraceful,” said Steelers wide-receiver Santonio Holmes, who was the intended receiver of the pass Bailey intercepted. “If Bailey doesn’t own up and at least tell us to fuck off, he’s lost all integrity as a professional athlete.”

John Madden could not be reached for comment because he has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

Feminists Angered by Male-Dominated Field of Being Clive Owen's Stunt-Double

Washington, DC -- Legislation was put before the House today to force desegregation of one of the least-regulated industries in America, being Clive Owen’s stunt-double. The "Case-United National Team" activist group released a statement saying that they believed this was a historic day for women’s equality in the workplace. Spokeswoman Silvia Nolan told I AM THE PRESS that, “finally, women will be able to portray the reckless, ill-advised risks of a man with the same gusto as reckless, ill-advised, risky men.”

Ever since the 2004 hit King Arthur, featuring the daring stunts of Robert Inch, being Clive Owen’s stunt double has been a completely male-dominated enterprise. Joining Inch’s ranks are the likes of James Grogan, Anthony Vincent II, and Ian Mclaughlin. The push for legislation was spurred by Joan Cantwell, the stunt-actress who alleged that she was forced off of production of 2007’s Shoot ‘Em Up when producers realized she was a woman. Which was totally true.

“We didn’t think Miss Cantwell’s feminine physique truly captured what it was to be Clive Owen killing a man with a carrot,” said Shoot ‘Em Up producer Rick Benattar. “It had nothing to do with her gender”. Cantwell alleged in her 2006 lawsuit that her gender had everything to do with her dismissal, but the California State Supreme Court sided with the movie’s producers, who continued production unheeded.

Cantwell could not be reached for comment. Clive Owen’s agent told I AM THE PRESS that Owen simply responded “Huh, what? Tea and biscuits, cheerio!”

Pundits are predicting a swift defeat for the bill, which will probably never emerge from committee. The message has already been sent, however, and has paved the way of change.

“We actually have a female stunt-double for Mr. Owen lined up for Inside Man II,” said executive producer Spike Lee. “But we’re not stopping there. We also hired a black stunt-double, because there's more than one front to this war.” Inside Man II is expected to crash at the box-office following attacks by hyper-conservative critics and intelligent critics alike.

Hugh Jackman Begins Sequel to Australia, Not Movie

Los Angeles, CA -- Stage and screen actor and producer Hugh Jackman announced at a press release today that he was ready to reveal a project that had thus far been secretly referred to as “Australia 2”. When asked when the movie was set to premier, Jackman corrected I AM THE PRESS, saying that he was planning a sequel to the Commonwealth set in the Southern Hemisphere. He was quick to confirm rumors that Nicole Kidman would not be reprising her role.

The project reportedly involves much of the original cast, though some members are being replaced due to other contractual obligations. Kevin Rudd will be continuing his role as Prime Minister, but Quentin Brice is being replaced as Governor General. No one has been officially slated as her replacement, but rumors say the position is being fought over by Michael Jeffery, the Governor General preceding Brice, and Eric Bana.

Jackman promises that the new Australia will “serve up all the thrills of the original, but with a more modern twist.” It is common knowledge that Australia was originally populated by criminals deported from the British Empire, and the current idea is much the same. “We want an authentic Australian experience, so we’ll be bringing in criminals and indigents from many countries originally belonging to the British Empire, including fan favorites like India and Ireland.” And the modern twist promised? “I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a hint: electric digeri-somethings.”

Fans of the original Australia may be a little disappointed that some of the most celebrated aspects of the original will be falling by the wayside. For example, much of the wildlife has been a deeply respected part of Australian lore, but Jackman feels that they won’t have as large of a role in the “direction the new Australia is headed.” Diehard fans will be pleased with a bit of fan-service, however. “The platypus was originally a bit-character, created to fill-in space between real animals, but it’s become such a fan favorite that we decided to give it a more prominent role.” Other traditional Australian staples being dropped include cricket, gold mines, and Russell Crowe.

“Australia 2” is set to hit the Indian and Pacific Oceans as early as 2012, with an Atlantic Ocean version optioned by 20th Century Fox for the following year. Preorders are already being offered on Amazon.com, and special fan-packs are being offered (with a foreword by veteran Australian, Geoffrey Rush) on the official website, AustraliaTwoTheCountryNotTheMovie.com.

Teen Plays Bond Theme in Head While Skiing

Foggy Mountain, CO -- Slaloming down a double blue square slope at Foggy Mountain Ski Resort in Colorado, teenager Nicole Crosby was overheard humming the theme to the popular James Bond film series. Nicole initially denied this but, upon learning that I AM THE PRESS will “always wear a hat while newsing,” confirmed the story when offered a spa coupon.

When asked whether she was mentally playing the role of George Lazenby in the Swiss Alps of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service or Roger Moore in the Austrian Alps of A Spy Who Loved Me, Crosby stated that she was actually imagining herself as Halle Berry in the 2002 film Die Another Day. Crosby’s imagination was so good that she overlooked at least better Bond movies with skiing and the fact that Halle Berry did not ski in Die Another Day. In fact, I AM THE PRESS has uncovered that there was no skiing at all in Die Another Day, and in fact the only Brosnan-era film that DID feature skiing was the 1997 film Tomorrow Never Dies.

Crosby admitted that the Bond-theme, written by Monty Norman and orchestrated by John Barry, had actually improved her stamina and performance, like some sort of ski-themed Enzyte or Cialus. To prove this, the teen donned her rental skis and successfully navigated the entire “Bunny-Hoppers” circuit of slopes in under an hour, only falling three times and taking only a single ten-minute hot chocolate break.

Aspirations for the young skier include, “trying a black diamond next year” and “being like Halle Berry, I told you that already. That hat isn’t that cool.” When I AM THE PRESS corrected her on Berry’s skiing performance and the lack of skiing in the aforementioned Bond film, Crosby amended her statement to, “ok, like Madonna.” I AM THE PRESS did not even try to point out that that was the same movie, but did indeed point out that “au contraire, this hat is awesome.”

Crosby’s father commented that his “little ski bunny” was coming along quickly, but added that she had a long way to go before she was like “that one guy who played Bond, the English one in Daylights.” Seriously, though, Timothy Dalton never skied in any Bond films either.

Man Gets Dumped, Submarine Sandwich

Frostburg, MD -– Local man Jonathan Buck was forced out of his relationship today, reportedly by his long-time girlfriend Eve Dresden over the phone, and immediately went to his local sandwich shop to enjoy a submarine sandwich.

Buck chose the local delicatessen because “health food is in and stuff. I’m not trying to whore my pity out, but if I can get a lot of people to pay attention to my crippling loneliness and heartbreak, I want to look good”. Buck is releasing a book of short poetry whenever, he’s been meaning to write it for awhile. He’s got a lot of feelings and words and, according to sources, his feelings need to be shared. And stuff.

Dresden and Buck first entered into a relationship in the fall of 2008 when, upon entering college at the same time, they both decided they would rather be sleeping with each other than no one at all. From there, Buck allegedly became “really damn romantic” and he, like, “would bring her flowers and stuff that boyfriends do, whatever will make me look good to your readers”. He punctuated his sentences with equally large bites from his sandwich, which delayed the asking of another question a good three minutes. Dresden could not be reached to confirm these acts of chivalry.

When asked why he had not gone to his now ex-girlfriend’s house to attempt reconciliation, Buck responded, “mmm mmmph if doo phooo”, and continued chewing.

The book of short poetry will alleged be published by Scholastic Books, so that “kids can learn from my experience,” and because “I’ve got a friend who knows a guy”. Scholastic Books could be contacted, but didn’t care enough to comment.

This is a Manifest

As any serious journalist ventures into the world of journalisting, it becomes necessary to create a Citizen Kane-esque manifesto, a statement of principles and a declaration of intent to the public, as they are such an awesome public that they deserve something like that. I AM THE PRESS is no exception.

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MANIFEST 1: PREQUEL TO NOTHING

I. The News Will Not Lie Unless Necessary, Convenient, Funny, or Thursday.

II. The News Will Be Maintained Regularly or, Failing that, Semi-Regularly. Failing that, the News Will Not be Maintained Regularly.

III. The Press Will Wear A Hat While Newsing. The Press is Wearing a Hat Right Now, the Press Wishes You Could See it, Damn the Hat is Cool.

IIII. The Press Will Remain Neutral on All Issues, Even if One Side is Being a Dick and Deserves it but all the Other Sides are too Afraid to Tell it So.

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This blog will strive to fulfill these ideals so that all readers can something something.