Man Silences Cell Phone in Applebee's Didn't Want to Ruin Atmosphere

Williamsburg, VA - Local college student Robert Sweeney was noted recently for silencing his phone as he entered an area Applebee's restaurant, an act that shocked his friends and colleagues as Sweeney will not even silence his phone when he goes to church.

When asked why he had turned off his now famous "Chung-chung from Law & Order" texting alert tone, Sweeney responded in a hushed tone that he "didn't want to break the ambiance."

Sweeney's waiter, 19 year old Stephanie Landy, told I AM THE PRESS she was very pleased with the level of service she was able to provide Sweeney, party of four.

"Normally I can't get them off of their iPhones and they know what the day's specials are before I can tell them, but this time the whole party was somber, almost melancholy. Sad people leave the best tips!"

In the past, Sweeney has been criticized for his for phonetiquette. According to his phone app that posts all of his phone activity directly to his Facebook account, Sweeney has racked up hours during weekly mass, in the middle of movies, and while eating dinner with his girlfriend's parents. However, they did not meet Sweeney's incredibly high standards of atmosphere.

When asked what about the eatery justified such an action, Sweeney seemed taken aback.

"When you go to an eating establishment of this caliber, there's something in the air. There's a solemn feel that I didn't want to destroy with an interruption from the outside world."

Sweeney then returned to eating his boneless chicken wings and watching the game on one of the establishments many TVs while his girlfriend continued to vie for his attention.

Applebee's could not be reached for comment, which is most likely because it is a restaurant and not a person.

Government Finally Admits There’s No Such Thing as ‘Racketeering’

NY, NY -- After years of confusion and looks that say, “I totally know what that is” a man accused of organized crime finally had the presence of mind to ask a judge, “racketeering? What’s that?” No answer was given.

Judge Ralters of the 5th district in New York City was stunned to silence today when he read off a list of allegations against Vincent D’amico that included “money laundering, extortion, fraud, racketeering, and embezzlement.” When the query was raised, several people nervously laughed in a knowing way, followed by several moments of silence, and then eventually a harsh admission. “Does anyone here…know….? No one?” asked the lawyer for the defense.

After thorough review by a team of lawyers, it was discovered that no law referencing “racketeering” actually existed. Common usage prompted it to be tacked on to the tail end of several sentencing proceedings, dating back to the 1800s when Sir Crimesaplenty was martyred in a circus trial for the benefit of some courtroom nobles.

The honorable Judge Ralters released a statement today that racketeering would no longer be added on to any list of crimes, no matter how long, even if it would be funny. Everyone convicted on counts of racketeering who are currently serving time have had their sentence commuted by up to five years.

THE PRESS attempted to contact D’amico to comment on this landmark realization, but he could not respond because he was busy being too stereotypical.

I AM THE PRESS Now Under the Auspices of Fox News

Despite only being a few months old, I AM THE PRESS has enjoyed moderate success as one of the only TRUE NEWS reporting web sites of the web (the other being the English version of Aljazeera). Because of this success, THE PRESS has been approached by one of the [greatest news agencies] around, Fox News, with an offer to fall under their flagship of extreme [AWESOME REPORTING METHODS].

As of today, I AM THE PRESS will join the ranks of such [illustrious] reporters as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and of course, the newly indoctrinated correspondent Sarah Palin.

Expect even more, and now highly funded (which of course did not affect the decision at all, as THE PRESS is a highly moral entity), articles, including whether or not Obama has the actual power to lead, what is wrong with Pelosi (not just her hair, but actually her), and of course the question that's on everyones mind, what are the principles of the shining party of the people's Tea Party and how can I contribute?

This is a golden age and a Great Leap Forward for I AM THE PRESS!

::EDIT:: Happy April Fools Day. Though apparently not everyone was so cool with the joke. When THE PRESS posted this story on Facebook, the captcha was "war premises". Calm down Facebook, it's not worth going to war over.