Parallel Universe Discovered Where “Poop” and “Scoop” Don’t Rhyme

Earlier this week, scientists were amazed to discover a universe virtually parallel to our own. There are only a few very tiny inconsistencies, the only significant one being that most words that rhyme or hold associations in our universe do not do so in the new one.

Several companies have begun working on new versions of their products, which they intend to market to the parallel universe as soon as trade sanctions are lifted by the US Government. Some of these companies include the famous “Pooper Scooper,” every sequel to the family movie “Air Bud” including “World Pup,” merchandise for the band “Quiet Riot,” and countless websites devoted to producing pornographic parodies.

Many were surprised at the government’s quick response to the discovery, which included placing a trade embargo on the parallel universe and declaring any cross-dimensional interaction as grounds for surveillance. It did not take long for several advocacy groups to speak out against the overzealous actions of the government, as these groups feel we could learn much from analyzing the differences between our cultures, including how our judgment and perceptions could be colored by simple word-play.

One possible reason for the government’s actions are to cover-up that several laws and policies are only tolerated by the American people because they were given catchy names as a distraction. One such example is the “Three Strikes” Law. In our America, the law is tolerated because it draws imagery from a traditional American past-time, baseball. However, in parallel-America no such imagery exists, and the law was never passed in most states because of the seemingly arbitrary punishments they place on sometimes petty criminals.

Most recently, the USA PATRIOT ACT came under fire. In our America, proponents were able to use the nationalistic name of the legislation as a shield against those who would criticize the horrible human rights violations the act allows. However, in parallel-America, the act was named the FAST-REACT TO 9/11 ACT, and more plainly stated its intent to spy on American citizens. The act was quickly struck down by the outraged senators.

Interestingly, several groups from the parallel universe have also attempted to push their products through to our market, including a kids cereal with no weird mascot, and a reality show about people who have interesting lives because they do interesting things and keep company with interesting people, not because they get drunk and fight.

Eritrea Tired of Having to Point itself Out on a Map

After journalists around the world became familiar with the locations of small countries such as Tunisia, Jordan, and Bahrain, following their state-wide protests and outbreaks of violence, Eritrea declared that it too wanted to be internationally locatable, but without the hassles of actually having anything interesting happen to garner international media attention.

Isaias Afewerki, who has been president of Eritrea for the last twenty years, says there is no need to any kind of democratic revolution to overtake his country, but adds that it’s annoying when he has to tell school children or foreign ambassadors that yes, Eritrea is in Africa and, yes, Eritrea is next to Somalia. “Why do people know where Somalia is? That place sucks!” Afewerki said in an internal memo leaked before the official announcement.

Eritrea has only been an independent nation for twenty years, which is coincidentally the number of years Afewerki has held the office of president. The country gained its independence from Ethiopia following a UN monitored vote in which 99.79% of citizens voted the same way, a clear indicator, Afewerki argues, that everything is fine.

The new stance on national identity was announced at a sparsely attended press conference, convened by members of the state-run media, including Eri-TV and the Eritrea Profile. Those few other media outlets that were invited refused invitations on the grounds that they either did not know where Eritrea was, or because they were terrified of going to a country that has remained at the bottom of the Reporters Without Borders Press Freedom Index since 2001, performing even worse than North Korea.

THE PRESS wasn’t scared, it just didn’t know anyone who would be there and wanted to avoid having everyone stare and be like, “who is that? He’s been here the whole time but he isn’t talking to anyone.”

Shortly after the announcement, Turkmenistan and Burma also released statements saying they want to gain more international attention, but had no reasons any of their citizens would want to revolt. “Just turn on the news,” Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, president of Turkmenistan, was reported as saying. “Clearly the government is doing a great job and no one is complaining. Ever.”