Hugh Jackman Begins Sequel to Australia, Not Movie

Los Angeles, CA -- Stage and screen actor and producer Hugh Jackman announced at a press release today that he was ready to reveal a project that had thus far been secretly referred to as “Australia 2”. When asked when the movie was set to premier, Jackman corrected I AM THE PRESS, saying that he was planning a sequel to the Commonwealth set in the Southern Hemisphere. He was quick to confirm rumors that Nicole Kidman would not be reprising her role.

The project reportedly involves much of the original cast, though some members are being replaced due to other contractual obligations. Kevin Rudd will be continuing his role as Prime Minister, but Quentin Brice is being replaced as Governor General. No one has been officially slated as her replacement, but rumors say the position is being fought over by Michael Jeffery, the Governor General preceding Brice, and Eric Bana.

Jackman promises that the new Australia will “serve up all the thrills of the original, but with a more modern twist.” It is common knowledge that Australia was originally populated by criminals deported from the British Empire, and the current idea is much the same. “We want an authentic Australian experience, so we’ll be bringing in criminals and indigents from many countries originally belonging to the British Empire, including fan favorites like India and Ireland.” And the modern twist promised? “I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a hint: electric digeri-somethings.”

Fans of the original Australia may be a little disappointed that some of the most celebrated aspects of the original will be falling by the wayside. For example, much of the wildlife has been a deeply respected part of Australian lore, but Jackman feels that they won’t have as large of a role in the “direction the new Australia is headed.” Diehard fans will be pleased with a bit of fan-service, however. “The platypus was originally a bit-character, created to fill-in space between real animals, but it’s become such a fan favorite that we decided to give it a more prominent role.” Other traditional Australian staples being dropped include cricket, gold mines, and Russell Crowe.

“Australia 2” is set to hit the Indian and Pacific Oceans as early as 2012, with an Atlantic Ocean version optioned by 20th Century Fox for the following year. Preorders are already being offered on Amazon.com, and special fan-packs are being offered (with a foreword by veteran Australian, Geoffrey Rush) on the official website, AustraliaTwoTheCountryNotTheMovie.com.

Teen Plays Bond Theme in Head While Skiing

Foggy Mountain, CO -- Slaloming down a double blue square slope at Foggy Mountain Ski Resort in Colorado, teenager Nicole Crosby was overheard humming the theme to the popular James Bond film series. Nicole initially denied this but, upon learning that I AM THE PRESS will “always wear a hat while newsing,” confirmed the story when offered a spa coupon.

When asked whether she was mentally playing the role of George Lazenby in the Swiss Alps of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service or Roger Moore in the Austrian Alps of A Spy Who Loved Me, Crosby stated that she was actually imagining herself as Halle Berry in the 2002 film Die Another Day. Crosby’s imagination was so good that she overlooked at least better Bond movies with skiing and the fact that Halle Berry did not ski in Die Another Day. In fact, I AM THE PRESS has uncovered that there was no skiing at all in Die Another Day, and in fact the only Brosnan-era film that DID feature skiing was the 1997 film Tomorrow Never Dies.

Crosby admitted that the Bond-theme, written by Monty Norman and orchestrated by John Barry, had actually improved her stamina and performance, like some sort of ski-themed Enzyte or Cialus. To prove this, the teen donned her rental skis and successfully navigated the entire “Bunny-Hoppers” circuit of slopes in under an hour, only falling three times and taking only a single ten-minute hot chocolate break.

Aspirations for the young skier include, “trying a black diamond next year” and “being like Halle Berry, I told you that already. That hat isn’t that cool.” When I AM THE PRESS corrected her on Berry’s skiing performance and the lack of skiing in the aforementioned Bond film, Crosby amended her statement to, “ok, like Madonna.” I AM THE PRESS did not even try to point out that that was the same movie, but did indeed point out that “au contraire, this hat is awesome.”

Crosby’s father commented that his “little ski bunny” was coming along quickly, but added that she had a long way to go before she was like “that one guy who played Bond, the English one in Daylights.” Seriously, though, Timothy Dalton never skied in any Bond films either.

Man Gets Dumped, Submarine Sandwich

Frostburg, MD -– Local man Jonathan Buck was forced out of his relationship today, reportedly by his long-time girlfriend Eve Dresden over the phone, and immediately went to his local sandwich shop to enjoy a submarine sandwich.

Buck chose the local delicatessen because “health food is in and stuff. I’m not trying to whore my pity out, but if I can get a lot of people to pay attention to my crippling loneliness and heartbreak, I want to look good”. Buck is releasing a book of short poetry whenever, he’s been meaning to write it for awhile. He’s got a lot of feelings and words and, according to sources, his feelings need to be shared. And stuff.

Dresden and Buck first entered into a relationship in the fall of 2008 when, upon entering college at the same time, they both decided they would rather be sleeping with each other than no one at all. From there, Buck allegedly became “really damn romantic” and he, like, “would bring her flowers and stuff that boyfriends do, whatever will make me look good to your readers”. He punctuated his sentences with equally large bites from his sandwich, which delayed the asking of another question a good three minutes. Dresden could not be reached to confirm these acts of chivalry.

When asked why he had not gone to his now ex-girlfriend’s house to attempt reconciliation, Buck responded, “mmm mmmph if doo phooo”, and continued chewing.

The book of short poetry will alleged be published by Scholastic Books, so that “kids can learn from my experience,” and because “I’ve got a friend who knows a guy”. Scholastic Books could be contacted, but didn’t care enough to comment.

This is a Manifest

As any serious journalist ventures into the world of journalisting, it becomes necessary to create a Citizen Kane-esque manifesto, a statement of principles and a declaration of intent to the public, as they are such an awesome public that they deserve something like that. I AM THE PRESS is no exception.

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MANIFEST 1: PREQUEL TO NOTHING

I. The News Will Not Lie Unless Necessary, Convenient, Funny, or Thursday.

II. The News Will Be Maintained Regularly or, Failing that, Semi-Regularly. Failing that, the News Will Not be Maintained Regularly.

III. The Press Will Wear A Hat While Newsing. The Press is Wearing a Hat Right Now, the Press Wishes You Could See it, Damn the Hat is Cool.

IIII. The Press Will Remain Neutral on All Issues, Even if One Side is Being a Dick and Deserves it but all the Other Sides are too Afraid to Tell it So.

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This blog will strive to fulfill these ideals so that all readers can something something.