NY, NY -- After years of confusion and looks that say, “I totally know what that is” a man accused of organized crime finally had the presence of mind to ask a judge, “racketeering? What’s that?” No answer was given.
Judge Ralters of the 5th district in New York City was stunned to silence today when he read off a list of allegations against Vincent D’amico that included “money laundering, extortion, fraud, racketeering, and embezzlement.” When the query was raised, several people nervously laughed in a knowing way, followed by several moments of silence, and then eventually a harsh admission. “Does anyone here…know….? No one?” asked the lawyer for the defense.
After thorough review by a team of lawyers, it was discovered that no law referencing “racketeering” actually existed. Common usage prompted it to be tacked on to the tail end of several sentencing proceedings, dating back to the 1800s when Sir Crimesaplenty was martyred in a circus trial for the benefit of some courtroom nobles.
The honorable Judge Ralters released a statement today that racketeering would no longer be added on to any list of crimes, no matter how long, even if it would be funny. Everyone convicted on counts of racketeering who are currently serving time have had their sentence commuted by up to five years.
THE PRESS attempted to contact D’amico to comment on this landmark realization, but he could not respond because he was busy being too stereotypical.
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