After Pluto’s Demotion, Luxembourg Fears Loss of Country Status

Luxembourg, Luxembourg - In the wake of the scientific communities’ decision to reclassify Pluto from a planet to a dwarf-planet, Luxembourg has voiced concerns that it may be next in an overzealous “second-look” of sorts. Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker, in his weekly address shouted out of his window, attempted to assuage the fears of the dozens of citizens in his nation, reminding them that, “Lesotho would probably go first.”

Several neighboring nations have apparently grown emboldened by the possible downgrade to dwarf-country, and Luxembourg’s borders have come under dispute for the first time since World War II. In response, all seven soldiers have been mobilized, armed with some lightly used 22s, “generously donated by the local Boy Scout Troop.” The troops say they are prepared to hold position for days at a time, citing that, “Mrs. Frieden is totally bringing us a pie later.”

Hoping to rally other nations to the small country’s aid, the ambassador to the UN, Sylvie Lucas, has brought cookies on at least three separate occasions. This kind of spending is almost unheard of in Luxembourg, and as a result the national deficit has almost tripled. The PM has a plan, however, to jumpstart the economy with a “stimulus plan”, which he says involves switching the local shop keep’s coffee from decaf to regular when he’s not looking.

I AM THE PRESS attempted to send reporters to the scene to ascertain more of the story, but the small nation’s even smaller airport was shut down for several days because the single air-traffic controller went to visit her cousin in the country (which we assume meant a different country). To simulate what it is most likely like over there, PRESS correspondent Kevin Forster locked four construction workers in a closet for three days and told them they weren’t a country. Bloodshed was quick, but decisive, as an attack on Luxembourg is likely to be.

The PM declined to speak with THE PRESS because he couldn’t plug his phone in at the same time as his stereo, and one of Luxembourg’s three bands released their sophomore album this week to lukewarm reviews.

Man Tweets Pain Before it Registers With His Head

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists are baffled today by Sanitation Manager Steven Jacobs, who was able to post an exclamation of pain to Twitter.com before the pain was actually transmitted to his brain. A report posted in E-Science Today makes mention of Jacobs’ increasing dependency on his new iPhone, which has made use of Apple’s apps to become fully integrated into his nervous system.

The tweet, which reads simply, “Just got out of the dentist, now to AHHHHHHHHH”, was posted last week as Jacobs exited Mental Dental on Garland Stove St. According to witnesses, several seconds after sending the tweet Jacobs took a few steps, then realized he had a nail sticking through his foot and collapsed to the ground. The iPhone reportedly never left his hand.

“Ever since I got my iPhone, I’ve become more and more connected to the internets,” said Jacobs, sitting in the emergency room at St. Anthony Hospital. “I’m on all of the popular sites, like Bebo and Friendster, and I’m downloading new apps all the time. Today I got one makes my phone into a lightsaber!”

The tweet, viewable at Twitter.com/NotAJanitor, has become fairly popular in its own right, being retweeted no fewer than three times in the hours following its posting. Several users have made comments in their retweets, including “FIRST!” and “FiRsT!” followed by “DaMn!”

Neurologists are interested in studying Jacobs to gain further insight into how technology interdependence affects the way the brain perceives its surroundings. In a rival article posted in Electronic Science Daily, researchers have attacked E-Science’s reports for “trolling” the rest of the scientific community, adding, “yeah, we saw The Matrix too”.

Jacobs was treated for his wounds, but refused treatment on his technology addiction or iPhone, which had been grafted onto his hand. He then made a joke about looking for Sarah Conner and left, refusing to answer any more questions. I AM THE PRESS would like to point out that Terminator references are too easy, and wishes he had instead told the doctors to “hack the Gibson”.