March 13, 2011

Parallel Universe Discovered Where “Poop” and “Scoop” Don’t Rhyme

Earlier this week, scientists were amazed to discover a universe virtually parallel to our own. There are only a few very tiny inconsistencies, the only significant one being that most words that rhyme or hold associations in our universe do not do so in the new one.

Several companies have begun working on new versions of their products, which they intend to market to the parallel universe as soon as trade sanctions are lifted by the US Government. Some of these companies include the famous “Pooper Scooper,” every sequel to the family movie “Air Bud” including “World Pup,” merchandise for the band “Quiet Riot,” and countless websites devoted to producing pornographic parodies.

Many were surprised at the government’s quick response to the discovery, which included placing a trade embargo on the parallel universe and declaring any cross-dimensional interaction as grounds for surveillance. It did not take long for several advocacy groups to speak out against the overzealous actions of the government, as these groups feel we could learn much from analyzing the differences between our cultures, including how our judgment and perceptions could be colored by simple word-play.

One possible reason for the government’s actions are to cover-up that several laws and policies are only tolerated by the American people because they were given catchy names as a distraction. One such example is the “Three Strikes” Law. In our America, the law is tolerated because it draws imagery from a traditional American past-time, baseball. However, in parallel-America no such imagery exists, and the law was never passed in most states because of the seemingly arbitrary punishments they place on sometimes petty criminals.

Most recently, the USA PATRIOT ACT came under fire. In our America, proponents were able to use the nationalistic name of the legislation as a shield against those who would criticize the horrible human rights violations the act allows. However, in parallel-America, the act was named the FAST-REACT TO 9/11 ACT, and more plainly stated its intent to spy on American citizens. The act was quickly struck down by the outraged senators.

Interestingly, several groups from the parallel universe have also attempted to push their products through to our market, including a kids cereal with no weird mascot, and a reality show about people who have interesting lives because they do interesting things and keep company with interesting people, not because they get drunk and fight.

March 6, 2011

Eritrea Tired of Having to Point itself Out on a Map

Press Freedom Map - EritreaAfter journalists around the world became familiar with the locations of small countries such as Tunisia, Jordan, and Bahrain, following their state-wide protests and outbreaks of violence, Eritrea declared that it too wanted to be internationally locatable, but without the hassles of actually having anything interesting happen to garner international media attention.

Isaias Afewerki, who has been president of Eritrea for the last twenty years, says there is no need to any kind of democratic revolution to overtake his country, but adds that it’s annoying when he has to tell school children or foreign ambassadors that yes, Eritrea is in Africa and, yes, Eritrea is next to Somalia. “Why do people know where Somalia is? That place sucks!” Afewerki said in an internal memo leaked before the official announcement.

Eritrea has only been an independent nation for twenty years, which is coincidentally the number of years Afewerki has held the office of president. The country gained its independence from Ethiopia following a UN monitored vote in which 99.79% of citizens voted the same way, a clear indicator, Afewerki argues, that everything is fine.

The new stance on national identity was announced at a sparsely attended press conference, convened by members of the state-run media, including Eri-TV and the Eritrea Profile. Those few other media outlets that were invited refused invitations on the grounds that they either did not know where Eritrea was, or because they were terrified of going to a country that has remained at the bottom of the Reporters Without Borders Press Freedom Index since 2001, performing even worse than North Korea.

THE PRESS wasn’t scared, it just didn’t know anyone who would be there and wanted to avoid having everyone stare and be like, “who is that? He’s been here the whole time but he isn’t talking to anyone.”

Shortly after the announcement, Turkmenistan and Burma also released statements saying they want to gain more international attention, but had no reasons any of their citizens would want to revolt. “Just turn on the news,” Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, president of Turkmenistan, was reported as saying. “Clearly the government is doing a great job and no one is complaining. Ever.”

January 26, 2011

Your Mother Holds the Internet Hostage

YOUR TOWN - After you fixed her computer and showed her how to access her email last weekend, your mother sat down and taught herself how to undo the complex security infrastructure of the internet, which she accomplished by changing every password on every website using her maiden name.

Your mother, who’s name before she married was “Greenwoods,” has already gained access to your email, Reddit account, bank website, and World of Warcraft characters. Experts predict that within the hour she will have commandeered your Facebook account, at which point her grip will extend to the vast majority of the web via Facebook Connect.

The breach occurred because you were too lazy to come up with a more complex “secret question” than your mother’s maiden name. You thought no one would ever know such a closely guarded secret, and overlooking all of your family members, family friends, anyone with access to public marriage records, anyone who asks you, or anyone who knew your mother before she was married, you were right. However, your mother was able to bypass all of those incredibly privileged people and produce the answer herself.

After changing your password, she wrote it on a little sticky note which she placed on the monitor so, “I won’t forget it and have to change it again.”

Roughly three hours ago, right after you were thinking about calling your mother but decided you’d do it later tonight when you were less busy, your mother gained access to your Twitter account to make her demands known.

@Kid if you want your pass back call your grandmother more clean your room BEFORE I say Im coming to visit and take that nice girl from chur

The ATF is currently trying to locate her for questioning, but she claims that you did something to her computer to make it “safe” and so that no “viruses or people can see me.” She claims the “thing” you did was called “Spybot.”

November 16, 2010

Blogger Hides Living Will in Otherwise Boring Article

Living Will

REDDING, CT – A not-particularly landmark court case has reached the third district court of Redding.  In the case of Persistent v Vegetative State, the defendant , Andrew Life, was trying to make it absolutely clear that he needed the tubes that the plaintiff, Dr. Euthanasia, was trying to take from him.

Euthanasia’s argument was that Life didn’t need the tubes, which he had only loaned to Life following a tragic accident at a concert by the band “This is Real I’m So Damn Serious Right Now.”  Life was being sustained by using the tubes as a conveyance system for food, as he had TEMPORARILY lost most of his motor skills.

The trial will likely be short.  Judge Meddler was quoted as saying, “I don’t know why Life is being threatened in my court, as clearly Euthanasia is just wrong.  He has no legal standing, and I disagree with him on moral grounds.”  However, Some other parties, specifically Lib Eral Media, local hippie, and Fox PropĂ© Ganda, local crackpot, have taken the fight to a larger audience.

Most pundits assume the trial will be thrown out, and MIRANDA I SWEAR TO GOD IF I’M EVER PUT ON MACHINES YOU KEEP ME ON THEM FOREVER TELL THE KIDS I’M ON A BUSINESS TRIP will address the court on Thursday.

April 27, 2010

Man Silences Cell Phone in Applebee's
Didn't Want to Ruin Atmosphere

Williamsburg, VA - Local college student Robert Sweeney was noted recently for silencing his phone as he entered an area Applebee's restaurant, an act that shocked his friends and colleagues as Sweeney will not even silence his phone when he goes to church.

When asked why he had turned off his now famous "Chung-chung from Law & Order" texting alert tone, Sweeney responded in a hushed tone that he "didn't want to break the ambiance."

Sweeney's waiter, 19 year old Stephanie Landy, told I AM THE PRESS she was very pleased with the level of service she was able to provide Sweeney, party of four.

"Normally I can't get them off of their iPhones and they know what the day's specials are before I can tell them, but this time the whole party was somber, almost melancholy. Sad people leave the best tips!"

In the past, Sweeney has been criticized for his for phonetiquette. According to his phone app that posts all of his phone activity directly to his Facebook account, Sweeney has racked up hours during weekly mass, in the middle of movies, and while eating dinner with his girlfriend's parents. However, they did not meet Sweeney's incredibly high standards of atmosphere.

When asked what about the eatery justified such an action, Sweeney seemed taken aback.

"When you go to an eating establishment of this caliber, there's something in the air. There's a solemn feel that I didn't want to destroy with an interruption from the outside world."

Sweeney then returned to eating his boneless chicken wings and watching the game on one of the establishments many TVs while his girlfriend continued to vie for his attention.

Applebee's could not be reached for comment, which is most likely because it is a restaurant and not a person.

April 18, 2010

Government Finally Admits There’s No Such Thing as ‘Racketeering’

NY, NY -- After years of confusion and looks that say, “I totally know what that is” a man accused of organized crime finally had the presence of mind to ask a judge, “racketeering? What’s that?” No answer was given.

Judge Ralters of the 5th district in New York City was stunned to silence today when he read off a list of allegations against Vincent D’amico that included “money laundering, extortion, fraud, racketeering, and embezzlement.” When the query was raised, several people nervously laughed in a knowing way, followed by several moments of silence, and then eventually a harsh admission. “Does anyone here…know….? No one?” asked the lawyer for the defense.

After thorough review by a team of lawyers, it was discovered that no law referencing “racketeering” actually existed. Common usage prompted it to be tacked on to the tail end of several sentencing proceedings, dating back to the 1800s when Sir Crimesaplenty was martyred in a circus trial for the benefit of some courtroom nobles.

The honorable Judge Ralters released a statement today that racketeering would no longer be added on to any list of crimes, no matter how long, even if it would be funny. Everyone convicted on counts of racketeering who are currently serving time have had their sentence commuted by up to five years.

THE PRESS attempted to contact D’amico to comment on this landmark realization, but he could not respond because he was busy being too stereotypical.

April 1, 2010

I AM THE PRESS Now Under the Auspices of Fox News

Despite only being a few months old, I AM THE PRESS has enjoyed moderate success as one of the only TRUE NEWS reporting web sites of the web (the other being the English version of Aljazeera). Because of this success, THE PRESS has been approached by one of the [greatest news agencies] around, Fox News, with an offer to fall under their flagship of extreme [AWESOME REPORTING METHODS].

As of today, I AM THE PRESS will join the ranks of such [illustrious] reporters as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and of course, the newly indoctrinated correspondent Sarah Palin.

Expect even more, and now highly funded (which of course did not affect the decision at all, as THE PRESS is a highly moral entity), articles, including whether or not Obama has the actual power to lead, what is wrong with Pelosi (not just her hair, but actually her), and of course the question that's on everyones mind, what are the principles of the shining party of the people's Tea Party and how can I contribute?

This is a golden age and a Great Leap Forward for I AM THE PRESS!

::EDIT:: Happy April Fools Day. Though apparently not everyone was so cool with the joke. When THE PRESS posted this story on Facebook, the captcha was "war premises". Calm down Facebook, it's not worth going to war over.