Frostburg, MD -– Local man Jonathan Buck was forced out of his relationship today, reportedly by his long-time girlfriend Eve Dresden over the phone, and immediately went to his local sandwich shop to enjoy a submarine sandwich.
Buck chose the local delicatessen because “health food is in and stuff. I’m not trying to whore my pity out, but if I can get a lot of people to pay attention to my crippling loneliness and heartbreak, I want to look good”. Buck is releasing a book of short poetry whenever, he’s been meaning to write it for awhile. He’s got a lot of feelings and words and, according to sources, his feelings need to be shared. And stuff.
Dresden and Buck first entered into a relationship in the fall of 2008 when, upon entering college at the same time, they both decided they would rather be sleeping with each other than no one at all. From there, Buck allegedly became “really damn romantic” and he, like, “would bring her flowers and stuff that boyfriends do, whatever will make me look good to your readers”. He punctuated his sentences with equally large bites from his sandwich, which delayed the asking of another question a good three minutes. Dresden could not be reached to confirm these acts of chivalry.
When asked why he had not gone to his now ex-girlfriend’s house to attempt reconciliation, Buck responded, “mmm mmmph if doo phooo”, and continued chewing.
The book of short poetry will alleged be published by Scholastic Books, so that “kids can learn from my experience,” and because “I’ve got a friend who knows a guy”. Scholastic Books could be contacted, but didn’t care enough to comment.
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