Man Tweets Pain Before it Registers With His Head

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists are baffled today by Sanitation Manager Steven Jacobs, who was able to post an exclamation of pain to Twitter.com before the pain was actually transmitted to his brain. A report posted in E-Science Today makes mention of Jacobs’ increasing dependency on his new iPhone, which has made use of Apple’s apps to become fully integrated into his nervous system.

The tweet, which reads simply, “Just got out of the dentist, now to AHHHHHHHHH”, was posted last week as Jacobs exited Mental Dental on Garland Stove St. According to witnesses, several seconds after sending the tweet Jacobs took a few steps, then realized he had a nail sticking through his foot and collapsed to the ground. The iPhone reportedly never left his hand.

“Ever since I got my iPhone, I’ve become more and more connected to the internets,” said Jacobs, sitting in the emergency room at St. Anthony Hospital. “I’m on all of the popular sites, like Bebo and Friendster, and I’m downloading new apps all the time. Today I got one makes my phone into a lightsaber!”

The tweet, viewable at Twitter.com/NotAJanitor, has become fairly popular in its own right, being retweeted no fewer than three times in the hours following its posting. Several users have made comments in their retweets, including “FIRST!” and “FiRsT!” followed by “DaMn!”

Neurologists are interested in studying Jacobs to gain further insight into how technology interdependence affects the way the brain perceives its surroundings. In a rival article posted in Electronic Science Daily, researchers have attacked E-Science’s reports for “trolling” the rest of the scientific community, adding, “yeah, we saw The Matrix too”.

Jacobs was treated for his wounds, but refused treatment on his technology addiction or iPhone, which had been grafted onto his hand. He then made a joke about looking for Sarah Conner and left, refusing to answer any more questions. I AM THE PRESS would like to point out that Terminator references are too easy, and wishes he had instead told the doctors to “hack the Gibson”.