After Pluto’s Demotion, Luxembourg Fears Loss of Country Status

Luxembourg, Luxembourg - In the wake of the scientific communities’ decision to reclassify Pluto from a planet to a dwarf-planet, Luxembourg has voiced concerns that it may be next in an overzealous “second-look” of sorts. Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker, in his weekly address shouted out of his window, attempted to assuage the fears of the dozens of citizens in his nation, reminding them that, “Lesotho would probably go first.”

Several neighboring nations have apparently grown emboldened by the possible downgrade to dwarf-country, and Luxembourg’s borders have come under dispute for the first time since World War II. In response, all seven soldiers have been mobilized, armed with some lightly used 22s, “generously donated by the local Boy Scout Troop.” The troops say they are prepared to hold position for days at a time, citing that, “Mrs. Frieden is totally bringing us a pie later.”

Hoping to rally other nations to the small country’s aid, the ambassador to the UN, Sylvie Lucas, has brought cookies on at least three separate occasions. This kind of spending is almost unheard of in Luxembourg, and as a result the national deficit has almost tripled. The PM has a plan, however, to jumpstart the economy with a “stimulus plan”, which he says involves switching the local shop keep’s coffee from decaf to regular when he’s not looking.

I AM THE PRESS attempted to send reporters to the scene to ascertain more of the story, but the small nation’s even smaller airport was shut down for several days because the single air-traffic controller went to visit her cousin in the country (which we assume meant a different country). To simulate what it is most likely like over there, PRESS correspondent Kevin Forster locked four construction workers in a closet for three days and told them they weren’t a country. Bloodshed was quick, but decisive, as an attack on Luxembourg is likely to be.

The PM declined to speak with THE PRESS because he couldn’t plug his phone in at the same time as his stereo, and one of Luxembourg’s three bands released their sophomore album this week to lukewarm reviews.