Your Mother Holds the Internet Hostage

YOUR TOWN - After you fixed her computer and showed her how to access her email last weekend, your mother sat down and taught herself how to undo the complex security infrastructure of the internet, which she accomplished by changing every password on every website using her maiden name.

Your mother, who’s name before she married was “Greenwoods,” has already gained access to your email, Reddit account, bank website, and World of Warcraft characters. Experts predict that within the hour she will have commandeered your Facebook account, at which point her grip will extend to the vast majority of the web via Facebook Connect.

The breach occurred because you were too lazy to come up with a more complex “secret question” than your mother’s maiden name. You thought no one would ever know such a closely guarded secret, and overlooking all of your family members, family friends, anyone with access to public marriage records, anyone who asks you, or anyone who knew your mother before she was married, you were right. However, your mother was able to bypass all of those incredibly privileged people and produce the answer herself.

After changing your password, she wrote it on a little sticky note which she placed on the monitor so, “I won’t forget it and have to change it again.”

Roughly three hours ago, right after you were thinking about calling your mother but decided you’d do it later tonight when you were less busy, your mother gained access to your Twitter account to make her demands known.

@Kid if you want your pass back call your grandmother more clean your room BEFORE I say Im coming to visit and take that nice girl from chur

The ATF is currently trying to locate her for questioning, but she claims that you did something to her computer to make it “safe” and so that no “viruses or people can see me.” She claims the “thing” you did was called “Spybot.”

Blogger Hides Living Will in Otherwise Boring Article

REDDING, CT – A not-particularly landmark court case has reached the third district court of Redding.  In the case of Persistent v Vegetative State, the defendant , Andrew Life, was trying to make it absolutely clear that he needed the tubes that the plaintiff, Dr. Euthanasia, was trying to take from him.

Euthanasia’s argument was that Life didn’t need the tubes, which he had only loaned to Life following a tragic accident at a concert by the band “This is Real I’m So Damn Serious Right Now.”  Life was being sustained by using the tubes as a conveyance system for food, as he had TEMPORARILY lost most of his motor skills.

The trial will likely be short.  Judge Meddler was quoted as saying, “I don’t know why Life is being threatened in my court, as clearly Euthanasia is just wrong.  He has no legal standing, and I disagree with him on moral grounds.”  However, Some other parties, specifically Lib Eral Media, local hippie, and Fox Propé Ganda, local crackpot, have taken the fight to a larger audience.

Most pundits assume the trial will be thrown out, and MIRANDA I SWEAR TO GOD IF I’M EVER PUT ON MACHINES YOU KEEP ME ON THEM FOREVER TELL THE KIDS I’M ON A BUSINESS TRIP will address the court on Thursday.

Man Silences Cell Phone in Applebee's Didn't Want to Ruin Atmosphere

Williamsburg, VA - Local college student Robert Sweeney was noted recently for silencing his phone as he entered an area Applebee's restaurant, an act that shocked his friends and colleagues as Sweeney will not even silence his phone when he goes to church.

When asked why he had turned off his now famous "Chung-chung from Law & Order" texting alert tone, Sweeney responded in a hushed tone that he "didn't want to break the ambiance."

Sweeney's waiter, 19 year old Stephanie Landy, told I AM THE PRESS she was very pleased with the level of service she was able to provide Sweeney, party of four.

"Normally I can't get them off of their iPhones and they know what the day's specials are before I can tell them, but this time the whole party was somber, almost melancholy. Sad people leave the best tips!"

In the past, Sweeney has been criticized for his for phonetiquette. According to his phone app that posts all of his phone activity directly to his Facebook account, Sweeney has racked up hours during weekly mass, in the middle of movies, and while eating dinner with his girlfriend's parents. However, they did not meet Sweeney's incredibly high standards of atmosphere.

When asked what about the eatery justified such an action, Sweeney seemed taken aback.

"When you go to an eating establishment of this caliber, there's something in the air. There's a solemn feel that I didn't want to destroy with an interruption from the outside world."

Sweeney then returned to eating his boneless chicken wings and watching the game on one of the establishments many TVs while his girlfriend continued to vie for his attention.

Applebee's could not be reached for comment, which is most likely because it is a restaurant and not a person.

Government Finally Admits There’s No Such Thing as ‘Racketeering’

NY, NY -- After years of confusion and looks that say, “I totally know what that is” a man accused of organized crime finally had the presence of mind to ask a judge, “racketeering? What’s that?” No answer was given.

Judge Ralters of the 5th district in New York City was stunned to silence today when he read off a list of allegations against Vincent D’amico that included “money laundering, extortion, fraud, racketeering, and embezzlement.” When the query was raised, several people nervously laughed in a knowing way, followed by several moments of silence, and then eventually a harsh admission. “Does anyone here…know….? No one?” asked the lawyer for the defense.

After thorough review by a team of lawyers, it was discovered that no law referencing “racketeering” actually existed. Common usage prompted it to be tacked on to the tail end of several sentencing proceedings, dating back to the 1800s when Sir Crimesaplenty was martyred in a circus trial for the benefit of some courtroom nobles.

The honorable Judge Ralters released a statement today that racketeering would no longer be added on to any list of crimes, no matter how long, even if it would be funny. Everyone convicted on counts of racketeering who are currently serving time have had their sentence commuted by up to five years.

THE PRESS attempted to contact D’amico to comment on this landmark realization, but he could not respond because he was busy being too stereotypical.

I AM THE PRESS Now Under the Auspices of Fox News

Despite only being a few months old, I AM THE PRESS has enjoyed moderate success as one of the only TRUE NEWS reporting web sites of the web (the other being the English version of Aljazeera). Because of this success, THE PRESS has been approached by one of the [greatest news agencies] around, Fox News, with an offer to fall under their flagship of extreme [AWESOME REPORTING METHODS].

As of today, I AM THE PRESS will join the ranks of such [illustrious] reporters as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and of course, the newly indoctrinated correspondent Sarah Palin.

Expect even more, and now highly funded (which of course did not affect the decision at all, as THE PRESS is a highly moral entity), articles, including whether or not Obama has the actual power to lead, what is wrong with Pelosi (not just her hair, but actually her), and of course the question that's on everyones mind, what are the principles of the shining party of the people's Tea Party and how can I contribute?

This is a golden age and a Great Leap Forward for I AM THE PRESS!

::EDIT:: Happy April Fools Day. Though apparently not everyone was so cool with the joke. When THE PRESS posted this story on Facebook, the captcha was "war premises". Calm down Facebook, it's not worth going to war over.

Band Releases Sophomore Album It's Like Their First Album, But Different

Los Angeles, CA – A band released their second album this week, silencing critics who claimed they did not have the collective creative talents to actually have a second major release. The first single, released two weeks ago, has already topped all of the major charts and has been featured on the soundtrack of the big movie that came out last week.

“We didn’t really know which direction to take things after our first album,” the lead singer told reporters at the release party. “In the end we decided to just take it forward, and we all felt that was a good way to go.” There was a lot of controversy after the band’s tour to promote their first album, when the drummer reportedly wanted to try some of his own songs and was shot down by his bandmates due to “creative differences.”

The band, now with a major label behind them, decided to take a new approach to releasing their music. The band’s producer told reporters, “this band is fresh, and so the way people listen to them should be fresh.” The 14 song album was released on Tuesday.

Not all fans are happy about the band’s second album, however. Teen girl fan told THE PRESS that she “really loved the first album, but this album is different.” Hipster blogging male commented that, “now that they’ve released a second album it’s like they have an entirely new tracklist. That’s only a good thing if the songs are good.” Fortunately for the band, some fans remain loyal. House wife who controls the radio when driving her kids to school says, “my kids are fans of this band. I heard they are making more music.”

The tour to support the new album begins in a few months. Representatives from the band said they would be playing mostly “songs from their two albums,” with the possibility of “some other songs.”

A third album has not yet been officially announced.

Teen Has Unprotected Sex, Contracts Real-Estate Developer

Gloucester, Mass - In what has become a more and more common scene these days, Sara Beaton received some unsettling news from her doctor earlier this week. Beaton recently lost her virginity to her long-term (2 months) boyfriend, and because she “trusted him, like, so much,” she neglected to use protection. Now it turns out her boyfriend is actually an independent contractor, and he entered Beaton into a leasing contract that could cost her more dearly than she ever thought.

Recent studies indicate that girls are having sex younger than ever before, and are using protection less and less. 1 in 3 girls reported that they have contracted independent developers before the age of 20, and many have gone on completely untreated. Without the support of parents, many are unable to pay the inflated property taxes, bankrupting them and leaving them unable to have homes of their own when they’re ready.

Beaton has since started an organization for warning girls about the terrors of entering legally binding contracts without a cosigner before they’re ready. “Don’t let a guy pressure you into putting your initials on the line,” her website says. “It’s a personal decision to move into real-estate, but even when you are ready, you should always use the protection of having your parents signing a guarantor form.”

Gloucester has had a severe problem recently with many girls entering into monetary relationships, and there have even been a few reports of it going on at school. Matthew Jordan, a 7th grader, told THE PRESS about his first day of school last fall. “I went in to use the bathroom, but I left right away because there were two older kids in there with ink all over their hands, debating whether they needed their forms notarized or not. I didn’t understand everything that was happening, but I left and told the principle right away.” THE PRESS congratulates Jordan for doing the right thing, but wonders if he’s not a rent-block.