Your Mother Holds the Internet Hostage

YOUR TOWN - After you fixed her computer and showed her how to access her email last weekend, your mother sat down and taught herself how to undo the complex security infrastructure of the internet, which she accomplished by changing every password on every website using her maiden name.

Your mother, who’s name before she married was “Greenwoods,” has already gained access to your email, Reddit account, bank website, and World of Warcraft characters. Experts predict that within the hour she will have commandeered your Facebook account, at which point her grip will extend to the vast majority of the web via Facebook Connect.

The breach occurred because you were too lazy to come up with a more complex “secret question” than your mother’s maiden name. You thought no one would ever know such a closely guarded secret, and overlooking all of your family members, family friends, anyone with access to public marriage records, anyone who asks you, or anyone who knew your mother before she was married, you were right. However, your mother was able to bypass all of those incredibly privileged people and produce the answer herself.

After changing your password, she wrote it on a little sticky note which she placed on the monitor so, “I won’t forget it and have to change it again.”

Roughly three hours ago, right after you were thinking about calling your mother but decided you’d do it later tonight when you were less busy, your mother gained access to your Twitter account to make her demands known.

@Kid if you want your pass back call your grandmother more clean your room BEFORE I say Im coming to visit and take that nice girl from chur

The ATF is currently trying to locate her for questioning, but she claims that you did something to her computer to make it “safe” and so that no “viruses or people can see me.” She claims the “thing” you did was called “Spybot.”

Teen Has Unprotected Sex, Contracts Real-Estate Developer

Gloucester, Mass - In what has become a more and more common scene these days, Sara Beaton received some unsettling news from her doctor earlier this week. Beaton recently lost her virginity to her long-term (2 months) boyfriend, and because she “trusted him, like, so much,” she neglected to use protection. Now it turns out her boyfriend is actually an independent contractor, and he entered Beaton into a leasing contract that could cost her more dearly than she ever thought.

Recent studies indicate that girls are having sex younger than ever before, and are using protection less and less. 1 in 3 girls reported that they have contracted independent developers before the age of 20, and many have gone on completely untreated. Without the support of parents, many are unable to pay the inflated property taxes, bankrupting them and leaving them unable to have homes of their own when they’re ready.

Beaton has since started an organization for warning girls about the terrors of entering legally binding contracts without a cosigner before they’re ready. “Don’t let a guy pressure you into putting your initials on the line,” her website says. “It’s a personal decision to move into real-estate, but even when you are ready, you should always use the protection of having your parents signing a guarantor form.”

Gloucester has had a severe problem recently with many girls entering into monetary relationships, and there have even been a few reports of it going on at school. Matthew Jordan, a 7th grader, told THE PRESS about his first day of school last fall. “I went in to use the bathroom, but I left right away because there were two older kids in there with ink all over their hands, debating whether they needed their forms notarized or not. I didn’t understand everything that was happening, but I left and told the principle right away.” THE PRESS congratulates Jordan for doing the right thing, but wonders if he’s not a rent-block.