Your Mother Holds the Internet Hostage

YOUR TOWN - After you fixed her computer and showed her how to access her email last weekend, your mother sat down and taught herself how to undo the complex security infrastructure of the internet, which she accomplished by changing every password on every website using her maiden name.

Your mother, who’s name before she married was “Greenwoods,” has already gained access to your email, Reddit account, bank website, and World of Warcraft characters. Experts predict that within the hour she will have commandeered your Facebook account, at which point her grip will extend to the vast majority of the web via Facebook Connect.

The breach occurred because you were too lazy to come up with a more complex “secret question” than your mother’s maiden name. You thought no one would ever know such a closely guarded secret, and overlooking all of your family members, family friends, anyone with access to public marriage records, anyone who asks you, or anyone who knew your mother before she was married, you were right. However, your mother was able to bypass all of those incredibly privileged people and produce the answer herself.

After changing your password, she wrote it on a little sticky note which she placed on the monitor so, “I won’t forget it and have to change it again.”

Roughly three hours ago, right after you were thinking about calling your mother but decided you’d do it later tonight when you were less busy, your mother gained access to your Twitter account to make her demands known.

@Kid if you want your pass back call your grandmother more clean your room BEFORE I say Im coming to visit and take that nice girl from chur

The ATF is currently trying to locate her for questioning, but she claims that you did something to her computer to make it “safe” and so that no “viruses or people can see me.” She claims the “thing” you did was called “Spybot.”

Man Tweets Pain Before it Registers With His Head

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists are baffled today by Sanitation Manager Steven Jacobs, who was able to post an exclamation of pain to Twitter.com before the pain was actually transmitted to his brain. A report posted in E-Science Today makes mention of Jacobs’ increasing dependency on his new iPhone, which has made use of Apple’s apps to become fully integrated into his nervous system.

The tweet, which reads simply, “Just got out of the dentist, now to AHHHHHHHHH”, was posted last week as Jacobs exited Mental Dental on Garland Stove St. According to witnesses, several seconds after sending the tweet Jacobs took a few steps, then realized he had a nail sticking through his foot and collapsed to the ground. The iPhone reportedly never left his hand.

“Ever since I got my iPhone, I’ve become more and more connected to the internets,” said Jacobs, sitting in the emergency room at St. Anthony Hospital. “I’m on all of the popular sites, like Bebo and Friendster, and I’m downloading new apps all the time. Today I got one makes my phone into a lightsaber!”

The tweet, viewable at Twitter.com/NotAJanitor, has become fairly popular in its own right, being retweeted no fewer than three times in the hours following its posting. Several users have made comments in their retweets, including “FIRST!” and “FiRsT!” followed by “DaMn!”

Neurologists are interested in studying Jacobs to gain further insight into how technology interdependence affects the way the brain perceives its surroundings. In a rival article posted in Electronic Science Daily, researchers have attacked E-Science’s reports for “trolling” the rest of the scientific community, adding, “yeah, we saw The Matrix too”.

Jacobs was treated for his wounds, but refused treatment on his technology addiction or iPhone, which had been grafted onto his hand. He then made a joke about looking for Sarah Conner and left, refusing to answer any more questions. I AM THE PRESS would like to point out that Terminator references are too easy, and wishes he had instead told the doctors to “hack the Gibson”.