Parallel Universe Discovered Where “Poop” and “Scoop” Don’t Rhyme

Earlier this week, scientists were amazed to discover a universe virtually parallel to our own. There are only a few very tiny inconsistencies, the only significant one being that most words that rhyme or hold associations in our universe do not do so in the new one.

Several companies have begun working on new versions of their products, which they intend to market to the parallel universe as soon as trade sanctions are lifted by the US Government. Some of these companies include the famous “Pooper Scooper,” every sequel to the family movie “Air Bud” including “World Pup,” merchandise for the band “Quiet Riot,” and countless websites devoted to producing pornographic parodies.

Many were surprised at the government’s quick response to the discovery, which included placing a trade embargo on the parallel universe and declaring any cross-dimensional interaction as grounds for surveillance. It did not take long for several advocacy groups to speak out against the overzealous actions of the government, as these groups feel we could learn much from analyzing the differences between our cultures, including how our judgment and perceptions could be colored by simple word-play.

One possible reason for the government’s actions are to cover-up that several laws and policies are only tolerated by the American people because they were given catchy names as a distraction. One such example is the “Three Strikes” Law. In our America, the law is tolerated because it draws imagery from a traditional American past-time, baseball. However, in parallel-America no such imagery exists, and the law was never passed in most states because of the seemingly arbitrary punishments they place on sometimes petty criminals.

Most recently, the USA PATRIOT ACT came under fire. In our America, proponents were able to use the nationalistic name of the legislation as a shield against those who would criticize the horrible human rights violations the act allows. However, in parallel-America, the act was named the FAST-REACT TO 9/11 ACT, and more plainly stated its intent to spy on American citizens. The act was quickly struck down by the outraged senators.

Interestingly, several groups from the parallel universe have also attempted to push their products through to our market, including a kids cereal with no weird mascot, and a reality show about people who have interesting lives because they do interesting things and keep company with interesting people, not because they get drunk and fight.

Eritrea Tired of Having to Point itself Out on a Map

After journalists around the world became familiar with the locations of small countries such as Tunisia, Jordan, and Bahrain, following their state-wide protests and outbreaks of violence, Eritrea declared that it too wanted to be internationally locatable, but without the hassles of actually having anything interesting happen to garner international media attention.

Isaias Afewerki, who has been president of Eritrea for the last twenty years, says there is no need to any kind of democratic revolution to overtake his country, but adds that it’s annoying when he has to tell school children or foreign ambassadors that yes, Eritrea is in Africa and, yes, Eritrea is next to Somalia. “Why do people know where Somalia is? That place sucks!” Afewerki said in an internal memo leaked before the official announcement.

Eritrea has only been an independent nation for twenty years, which is coincidentally the number of years Afewerki has held the office of president. The country gained its independence from Ethiopia following a UN monitored vote in which 99.79% of citizens voted the same way, a clear indicator, Afewerki argues, that everything is fine.

The new stance on national identity was announced at a sparsely attended press conference, convened by members of the state-run media, including Eri-TV and the Eritrea Profile. Those few other media outlets that were invited refused invitations on the grounds that they either did not know where Eritrea was, or because they were terrified of going to a country that has remained at the bottom of the Reporters Without Borders Press Freedom Index since 2001, performing even worse than North Korea.

THE PRESS wasn’t scared, it just didn’t know anyone who would be there and wanted to avoid having everyone stare and be like, “who is that? He’s been here the whole time but he isn’t talking to anyone.”

Shortly after the announcement, Turkmenistan and Burma also released statements saying they want to gain more international attention, but had no reasons any of their citizens would want to revolt. “Just turn on the news,” Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, president of Turkmenistan, was reported as saying. “Clearly the government is doing a great job and no one is complaining. Ever.”

Your Mother Holds the Internet Hostage

YOUR TOWN - After you fixed her computer and showed her how to access her email last weekend, your mother sat down and taught herself how to undo the complex security infrastructure of the internet, which she accomplished by changing every password on every website using her maiden name.

Your mother, who’s name before she married was “Greenwoods,” has already gained access to your email, Reddit account, bank website, and World of Warcraft characters. Experts predict that within the hour she will have commandeered your Facebook account, at which point her grip will extend to the vast majority of the web via Facebook Connect.

The breach occurred because you were too lazy to come up with a more complex “secret question” than your mother’s maiden name. You thought no one would ever know such a closely guarded secret, and overlooking all of your family members, family friends, anyone with access to public marriage records, anyone who asks you, or anyone who knew your mother before she was married, you were right. However, your mother was able to bypass all of those incredibly privileged people and produce the answer herself.

After changing your password, she wrote it on a little sticky note which she placed on the monitor so, “I won’t forget it and have to change it again.”

Roughly three hours ago, right after you were thinking about calling your mother but decided you’d do it later tonight when you were less busy, your mother gained access to your Twitter account to make her demands known.

@Kid if you want your pass back call your grandmother more clean your room BEFORE I say Im coming to visit and take that nice girl from chur

The ATF is currently trying to locate her for questioning, but she claims that you did something to her computer to make it “safe” and so that no “viruses or people can see me.” She claims the “thing” you did was called “Spybot.”

Blogger Hides Living Will in Otherwise Boring Article

REDDING, CT – A not-particularly landmark court case has reached the third district court of Redding.  In the case of Persistent v Vegetative State, the defendant , Andrew Life, was trying to make it absolutely clear that he needed the tubes that the plaintiff, Dr. Euthanasia, was trying to take from him.

Euthanasia’s argument was that Life didn’t need the tubes, which he had only loaned to Life following a tragic accident at a concert by the band “This is Real I’m So Damn Serious Right Now.”  Life was being sustained by using the tubes as a conveyance system for food, as he had TEMPORARILY lost most of his motor skills.

The trial will likely be short.  Judge Meddler was quoted as saying, “I don’t know why Life is being threatened in my court, as clearly Euthanasia is just wrong.  He has no legal standing, and I disagree with him on moral grounds.”  However, Some other parties, specifically Lib Eral Media, local hippie, and Fox Propé Ganda, local crackpot, have taken the fight to a larger audience.

Most pundits assume the trial will be thrown out, and MIRANDA I SWEAR TO GOD IF I’M EVER PUT ON MACHINES YOU KEEP ME ON THEM FOREVER TELL THE KIDS I’M ON A BUSINESS TRIP will address the court on Thursday.

Man Silences Cell Phone in Applebee's Didn't Want to Ruin Atmosphere

Williamsburg, VA - Local college student Robert Sweeney was noted recently for silencing his phone as he entered an area Applebee's restaurant, an act that shocked his friends and colleagues as Sweeney will not even silence his phone when he goes to church.

When asked why he had turned off his now famous "Chung-chung from Law & Order" texting alert tone, Sweeney responded in a hushed tone that he "didn't want to break the ambiance."

Sweeney's waiter, 19 year old Stephanie Landy, told I AM THE PRESS she was very pleased with the level of service she was able to provide Sweeney, party of four.

"Normally I can't get them off of their iPhones and they know what the day's specials are before I can tell them, but this time the whole party was somber, almost melancholy. Sad people leave the best tips!"

In the past, Sweeney has been criticized for his for phonetiquette. According to his phone app that posts all of his phone activity directly to his Facebook account, Sweeney has racked up hours during weekly mass, in the middle of movies, and while eating dinner with his girlfriend's parents. However, they did not meet Sweeney's incredibly high standards of atmosphere.

When asked what about the eatery justified such an action, Sweeney seemed taken aback.

"When you go to an eating establishment of this caliber, there's something in the air. There's a solemn feel that I didn't want to destroy with an interruption from the outside world."

Sweeney then returned to eating his boneless chicken wings and watching the game on one of the establishments many TVs while his girlfriend continued to vie for his attention.

Applebee's could not be reached for comment, which is most likely because it is a restaurant and not a person.

Government Finally Admits There’s No Such Thing as ‘Racketeering’

NY, NY -- After years of confusion and looks that say, “I totally know what that is” a man accused of organized crime finally had the presence of mind to ask a judge, “racketeering? What’s that?” No answer was given.

Judge Ralters of the 5th district in New York City was stunned to silence today when he read off a list of allegations against Vincent D’amico that included “money laundering, extortion, fraud, racketeering, and embezzlement.” When the query was raised, several people nervously laughed in a knowing way, followed by several moments of silence, and then eventually a harsh admission. “Does anyone here…know….? No one?” asked the lawyer for the defense.

After thorough review by a team of lawyers, it was discovered that no law referencing “racketeering” actually existed. Common usage prompted it to be tacked on to the tail end of several sentencing proceedings, dating back to the 1800s when Sir Crimesaplenty was martyred in a circus trial for the benefit of some courtroom nobles.

The honorable Judge Ralters released a statement today that racketeering would no longer be added on to any list of crimes, no matter how long, even if it would be funny. Everyone convicted on counts of racketeering who are currently serving time have had their sentence commuted by up to five years.

THE PRESS attempted to contact D’amico to comment on this landmark realization, but he could not respond because he was busy being too stereotypical.

I AM THE PRESS Now Under the Auspices of Fox News

Despite only being a few months old, I AM THE PRESS has enjoyed moderate success as one of the only TRUE NEWS reporting web sites of the web (the other being the English version of Aljazeera). Because of this success, THE PRESS has been approached by one of the [greatest news agencies] around, Fox News, with an offer to fall under their flagship of extreme [AWESOME REPORTING METHODS].

As of today, I AM THE PRESS will join the ranks of such [illustrious] reporters as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and of course, the newly indoctrinated correspondent Sarah Palin.

Expect even more, and now highly funded (which of course did not affect the decision at all, as THE PRESS is a highly moral entity), articles, including whether or not Obama has the actual power to lead, what is wrong with Pelosi (not just her hair, but actually her), and of course the question that's on everyones mind, what are the principles of the shining party of the people's Tea Party and how can I contribute?

This is a golden age and a Great Leap Forward for I AM THE PRESS!

::EDIT:: Happy April Fools Day. Though apparently not everyone was so cool with the joke. When THE PRESS posted this story on Facebook, the captcha was "war premises". Calm down Facebook, it's not worth going to war over.

Band Releases Sophomore Album It's Like Their First Album, But Different

Los Angeles, CA – A band released their second album this week, silencing critics who claimed they did not have the collective creative talents to actually have a second major release. The first single, released two weeks ago, has already topped all of the major charts and has been featured on the soundtrack of the big movie that came out last week.

“We didn’t really know which direction to take things after our first album,” the lead singer told reporters at the release party. “In the end we decided to just take it forward, and we all felt that was a good way to go.” There was a lot of controversy after the band’s tour to promote their first album, when the drummer reportedly wanted to try some of his own songs and was shot down by his bandmates due to “creative differences.”

The band, now with a major label behind them, decided to take a new approach to releasing their music. The band’s producer told reporters, “this band is fresh, and so the way people listen to them should be fresh.” The 14 song album was released on Tuesday.

Not all fans are happy about the band’s second album, however. Teen girl fan told THE PRESS that she “really loved the first album, but this album is different.” Hipster blogging male commented that, “now that they’ve released a second album it’s like they have an entirely new tracklist. That’s only a good thing if the songs are good.” Fortunately for the band, some fans remain loyal. House wife who controls the radio when driving her kids to school says, “my kids are fans of this band. I heard they are making more music.”

The tour to support the new album begins in a few months. Representatives from the band said they would be playing mostly “songs from their two albums,” with the possibility of “some other songs.”

A third album has not yet been officially announced.

Teen Has Unprotected Sex, Contracts Real-Estate Developer

Gloucester, Mass - In what has become a more and more common scene these days, Sara Beaton received some unsettling news from her doctor earlier this week. Beaton recently lost her virginity to her long-term (2 months) boyfriend, and because she “trusted him, like, so much,” she neglected to use protection. Now it turns out her boyfriend is actually an independent contractor, and he entered Beaton into a leasing contract that could cost her more dearly than she ever thought.

Recent studies indicate that girls are having sex younger than ever before, and are using protection less and less. 1 in 3 girls reported that they have contracted independent developers before the age of 20, and many have gone on completely untreated. Without the support of parents, many are unable to pay the inflated property taxes, bankrupting them and leaving them unable to have homes of their own when they’re ready.

Beaton has since started an organization for warning girls about the terrors of entering legally binding contracts without a cosigner before they’re ready. “Don’t let a guy pressure you into putting your initials on the line,” her website says. “It’s a personal decision to move into real-estate, but even when you are ready, you should always use the protection of having your parents signing a guarantor form.”

Gloucester has had a severe problem recently with many girls entering into monetary relationships, and there have even been a few reports of it going on at school. Matthew Jordan, a 7th grader, told THE PRESS about his first day of school last fall. “I went in to use the bathroom, but I left right away because there were two older kids in there with ink all over their hands, debating whether they needed their forms notarized or not. I didn’t understand everything that was happening, but I left and told the principle right away.” THE PRESS congratulates Jordan for doing the right thing, but wonders if he’s not a rent-block.

After Pluto’s Demotion, Luxembourg Fears Loss of Country Status

Luxembourg, Luxembourg - In the wake of the scientific communities’ decision to reclassify Pluto from a planet to a dwarf-planet, Luxembourg has voiced concerns that it may be next in an overzealous “second-look” of sorts. Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker, in his weekly address shouted out of his window, attempted to assuage the fears of the dozens of citizens in his nation, reminding them that, “Lesotho would probably go first.”

Several neighboring nations have apparently grown emboldened by the possible downgrade to dwarf-country, and Luxembourg’s borders have come under dispute for the first time since World War II. In response, all seven soldiers have been mobilized, armed with some lightly used 22s, “generously donated by the local Boy Scout Troop.” The troops say they are prepared to hold position for days at a time, citing that, “Mrs. Frieden is totally bringing us a pie later.”

Hoping to rally other nations to the small country’s aid, the ambassador to the UN, Sylvie Lucas, has brought cookies on at least three separate occasions. This kind of spending is almost unheard of in Luxembourg, and as a result the national deficit has almost tripled. The PM has a plan, however, to jumpstart the economy with a “stimulus plan”, which he says involves switching the local shop keep’s coffee from decaf to regular when he’s not looking.

I AM THE PRESS attempted to send reporters to the scene to ascertain more of the story, but the small nation’s even smaller airport was shut down for several days because the single air-traffic controller went to visit her cousin in the country (which we assume meant a different country). To simulate what it is most likely like over there, PRESS correspondent Kevin Forster locked four construction workers in a closet for three days and told them they weren’t a country. Bloodshed was quick, but decisive, as an attack on Luxembourg is likely to be.

The PM declined to speak with THE PRESS because he couldn’t plug his phone in at the same time as his stereo, and one of Luxembourg’s three bands released their sophomore album this week to lukewarm reviews.

Man Tweets Pain Before it Registers With His Head

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists are baffled today by Sanitation Manager Steven Jacobs, who was able to post an exclamation of pain to Twitter.com before the pain was actually transmitted to his brain. A report posted in E-Science Today makes mention of Jacobs’ increasing dependency on his new iPhone, which has made use of Apple’s apps to become fully integrated into his nervous system.

The tweet, which reads simply, “Just got out of the dentist, now to AHHHHHHHHH”, was posted last week as Jacobs exited Mental Dental on Garland Stove St. According to witnesses, several seconds after sending the tweet Jacobs took a few steps, then realized he had a nail sticking through his foot and collapsed to the ground. The iPhone reportedly never left his hand.

“Ever since I got my iPhone, I’ve become more and more connected to the internets,” said Jacobs, sitting in the emergency room at St. Anthony Hospital. “I’m on all of the popular sites, like Bebo and Friendster, and I’m downloading new apps all the time. Today I got one makes my phone into a lightsaber!”

The tweet, viewable at Twitter.com/NotAJanitor, has become fairly popular in its own right, being retweeted no fewer than three times in the hours following its posting. Several users have made comments in their retweets, including “FIRST!” and “FiRsT!” followed by “DaMn!”

Neurologists are interested in studying Jacobs to gain further insight into how technology interdependence affects the way the brain perceives its surroundings. In a rival article posted in Electronic Science Daily, researchers have attacked E-Science’s reports for “trolling” the rest of the scientific community, adding, “yeah, we saw The Matrix too”.

Jacobs was treated for his wounds, but refused treatment on his technology addiction or iPhone, which had been grafted onto his hand. He then made a joke about looking for Sarah Conner and left, refusing to answer any more questions. I AM THE PRESS would like to point out that Terminator references are too easy, and wishes he had instead told the doctors to “hack the Gibson”.

Band “Really Big Fan” of Guy in Third Row

Seattle, WA – Local band “Feigning Interest” was expecting a show like any other the night of January 9th, but were instead treated to a experience few bands get to enjoy; their show was visited by dedicated concert-goer Mitch Jaspers. I AM THE PRESS readers will likely recognize Jaspers as the Guy-in-the-Band-Shirt turned Mosh-Pit-Referee who popularized swinging your arm in a circle while not at a rodeo.

“I’ve always been a huge fan of that guy,” Feigning Interest front-man Todd Releana said of Jaspers. “He’s one of the reasons I got into music, and the chance to see him live was just incredible.” Releana was joined by bassist Zach Fields in his praise of the fan. “Back in my Dad’s day there was Hendrix’s fan, Tommy ‘Jumping Up and Down’ Stevens. I guess what I’m saying is, Jaspers is my generation’s Stevens.”

Jaspers used to tour with Portland- based band “Hunting Pilgrims”, but creative differences with their roadies caused a split that the band has never really recovered from. After a brief stint with “The Dutchmen” and a fateful brawl with “Justice Blind”, Jaspers made the move to Seattle and hasn’t looked back since. “After that, I made the move to Seattle and haven’t looked back since,” he was overheard telling a fellow mosher.

“I try to bring something unique to each show, so everyone can really take a different experience away with them,” Jaspers told interviewers after the show. “People come to a show to have a good time, and I appreciate that, but I think that needs to be balanced with my own desire to get my art out there.”

The new Feigning Interest album is set to release this Spring, and Jaspers is set to follow the tour for several months following. After that point, sources close to Jaspers have suggested he may strike out on a solo gig, though no one really knows what the hell that means.

Town Plagued by Striped Terror

Little Bend, SD – Multiple sightings have been reported over the past few weeks, in Little Bend, South Dakota, of a creature that cannot be immediately identified by zoologists. Witnesses have described the creature as something resembling a human, appearing only briefly, clad in stripes, and disappearing into crowds, or barber-pole factories.

Crypto-zoologists have been called to the scene (including one authority on the subject, Martin Handford), to see if any validity can be leant to the local rumors. Folk-lore from the area names the creature an Odlaw. The creatures of myth were said to appear to youngsters, cleverly hidden in plain sight, with no real purpose or motivation. Eventually, children would learn of their hiding places (which never changed) and would speed through, just to get to the end.

The Odlaw has been seen in various iterations, including female and dog-shaped. Speculation on this creature has abounded ever since the first Yllaw (Odlaw’s British cousin) was captured alive last year.

I AM THE PRESS would like to thank amateur photographer Rachel Spiegelman for her candid photo of the beast.

Champ Bailey Called For Inexcessive Celebration

Pittsburgh, PA -- Denver Broncos cornerback Roland "Champ" Bailey was fined $10,000 Sunday in his game against the Pittsburgh Steelers for what referees are calling “inexcessive celebration”, for running a 65-yard touchdown after an interception in the fourth quarter. Upon completing the touchdown, Bailey calmly placed the ball on the ground and returned to his team, where mild congratulations were exchanged between the defensive secondary.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin calls this a flagrant act of unsportsmanlike conduct. “My boys are playing hard out there, and that was an amazing interception. To not show any hint of celebration is a terrible offense to the players who are trying their hardest, like it was nothing.”

Fans are equally outraged. “No Lambeau Leap, no funky chicken, nothing,” complained lifelong Steelers fan Vince Johnson. “And after what Brian Celek did last week with Captain Morgan, it’s just shameful.”

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels has come out in defense of the cornerback. “It’s time to end the ‘inexcessive celebration’ rule. This is an issue that strikes at the very roots of the sport we all love. When a player makes an amazing catch or runs an impressive return, he has EARNED the right to be a little humble.”

McDaniels also presented a brief statement from Bailey, which simply stated that the player was sorry for any offense he had given, and was prepared to quietly pay the fine and let the matter settle, adding fuel to the anger of Steelers fans everywhere.

“This insult is disgraceful,” said Steelers wide-receiver Santonio Holmes, who was the intended receiver of the pass Bailey intercepted. “If Bailey doesn’t own up and at least tell us to fuck off, he’s lost all integrity as a professional athlete.”

John Madden could not be reached for comment because he has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

Feminists Angered by Male-Dominated Field of Being Clive Owen's Stunt-Double

Washington, DC -- Legislation was put before the House today to force desegregation of one of the least-regulated industries in America, being Clive Owen’s stunt-double. The "Case-United National Team" activist group released a statement saying that they believed this was a historic day for women’s equality in the workplace. Spokeswoman Silvia Nolan told I AM THE PRESS that, “finally, women will be able to portray the reckless, ill-advised risks of a man with the same gusto as reckless, ill-advised, risky men.”

Ever since the 2004 hit King Arthur, featuring the daring stunts of Robert Inch, being Clive Owen’s stunt double has been a completely male-dominated enterprise. Joining Inch’s ranks are the likes of James Grogan, Anthony Vincent II, and Ian Mclaughlin. The push for legislation was spurred by Joan Cantwell, the stunt-actress who alleged that she was forced off of production of 2007’s Shoot ‘Em Up when producers realized she was a woman. Which was totally true.

“We didn’t think Miss Cantwell’s feminine physique truly captured what it was to be Clive Owen killing a man with a carrot,” said Shoot ‘Em Up producer Rick Benattar. “It had nothing to do with her gender”. Cantwell alleged in her 2006 lawsuit that her gender had everything to do with her dismissal, but the California State Supreme Court sided with the movie’s producers, who continued production unheeded.

Cantwell could not be reached for comment. Clive Owen’s agent told I AM THE PRESS that Owen simply responded “Huh, what? Tea and biscuits, cheerio!”

Pundits are predicting a swift defeat for the bill, which will probably never emerge from committee. The message has already been sent, however, and has paved the way of change.

“We actually have a female stunt-double for Mr. Owen lined up for Inside Man II,” said executive producer Spike Lee. “But we’re not stopping there. We also hired a black stunt-double, because there's more than one front to this war.” Inside Man II is expected to crash at the box-office following attacks by hyper-conservative critics and intelligent critics alike.

Hugh Jackman Begins Sequel to Australia, Not Movie

Los Angeles, CA -- Stage and screen actor and producer Hugh Jackman announced at a press release today that he was ready to reveal a project that had thus far been secretly referred to as “Australia 2”. When asked when the movie was set to premier, Jackman corrected I AM THE PRESS, saying that he was planning a sequel to the Commonwealth set in the Southern Hemisphere. He was quick to confirm rumors that Nicole Kidman would not be reprising her role.

The project reportedly involves much of the original cast, though some members are being replaced due to other contractual obligations. Kevin Rudd will be continuing his role as Prime Minister, but Quentin Brice is being replaced as Governor General. No one has been officially slated as her replacement, but rumors say the position is being fought over by Michael Jeffery, the Governor General preceding Brice, and Eric Bana.

Jackman promises that the new Australia will “serve up all the thrills of the original, but with a more modern twist.” It is common knowledge that Australia was originally populated by criminals deported from the British Empire, and the current idea is much the same. “We want an authentic Australian experience, so we’ll be bringing in criminals and indigents from many countries originally belonging to the British Empire, including fan favorites like India and Ireland.” And the modern twist promised? “I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a hint: electric digeri-somethings.”

Fans of the original Australia may be a little disappointed that some of the most celebrated aspects of the original will be falling by the wayside. For example, much of the wildlife has been a deeply respected part of Australian lore, but Jackman feels that they won’t have as large of a role in the “direction the new Australia is headed.” Diehard fans will be pleased with a bit of fan-service, however. “The platypus was originally a bit-character, created to fill-in space between real animals, but it’s become such a fan favorite that we decided to give it a more prominent role.” Other traditional Australian staples being dropped include cricket, gold mines, and Russell Crowe.

“Australia 2” is set to hit the Indian and Pacific Oceans as early as 2012, with an Atlantic Ocean version optioned by 20th Century Fox for the following year. Preorders are already being offered on Amazon.com, and special fan-packs are being offered (with a foreword by veteran Australian, Geoffrey Rush) on the official website, AustraliaTwoTheCountryNotTheMovie.com.

Teen Plays Bond Theme in Head While Skiing

Foggy Mountain, CO -- Slaloming down a double blue square slope at Foggy Mountain Ski Resort in Colorado, teenager Nicole Crosby was overheard humming the theme to the popular James Bond film series. Nicole initially denied this but, upon learning that I AM THE PRESS will “always wear a hat while newsing,” confirmed the story when offered a spa coupon.

When asked whether she was mentally playing the role of George Lazenby in the Swiss Alps of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service or Roger Moore in the Austrian Alps of A Spy Who Loved Me, Crosby stated that she was actually imagining herself as Halle Berry in the 2002 film Die Another Day. Crosby’s imagination was so good that she overlooked at least better Bond movies with skiing and the fact that Halle Berry did not ski in Die Another Day. In fact, I AM THE PRESS has uncovered that there was no skiing at all in Die Another Day, and in fact the only Brosnan-era film that DID feature skiing was the 1997 film Tomorrow Never Dies.

Crosby admitted that the Bond-theme, written by Monty Norman and orchestrated by John Barry, had actually improved her stamina and performance, like some sort of ski-themed Enzyte or Cialus. To prove this, the teen donned her rental skis and successfully navigated the entire “Bunny-Hoppers” circuit of slopes in under an hour, only falling three times and taking only a single ten-minute hot chocolate break.

Aspirations for the young skier include, “trying a black diamond next year” and “being like Halle Berry, I told you that already. That hat isn’t that cool.” When I AM THE PRESS corrected her on Berry’s skiing performance and the lack of skiing in the aforementioned Bond film, Crosby amended her statement to, “ok, like Madonna.” I AM THE PRESS did not even try to point out that that was the same movie, but did indeed point out that “au contraire, this hat is awesome.”

Crosby’s father commented that his “little ski bunny” was coming along quickly, but added that she had a long way to go before she was like “that one guy who played Bond, the English one in Daylights.” Seriously, though, Timothy Dalton never skied in any Bond films either.

Man Gets Dumped, Submarine Sandwich

Frostburg, MD -– Local man Jonathan Buck was forced out of his relationship today, reportedly by his long-time girlfriend Eve Dresden over the phone, and immediately went to his local sandwich shop to enjoy a submarine sandwich.

Buck chose the local delicatessen because “health food is in and stuff. I’m not trying to whore my pity out, but if I can get a lot of people to pay attention to my crippling loneliness and heartbreak, I want to look good”. Buck is releasing a book of short poetry whenever, he’s been meaning to write it for awhile. He’s got a lot of feelings and words and, according to sources, his feelings need to be shared. And stuff.

Dresden and Buck first entered into a relationship in the fall of 2008 when, upon entering college at the same time, they both decided they would rather be sleeping with each other than no one at all. From there, Buck allegedly became “really damn romantic” and he, like, “would bring her flowers and stuff that boyfriends do, whatever will make me look good to your readers”. He punctuated his sentences with equally large bites from his sandwich, which delayed the asking of another question a good three minutes. Dresden could not be reached to confirm these acts of chivalry.

When asked why he had not gone to his now ex-girlfriend’s house to attempt reconciliation, Buck responded, “mmm mmmph if doo phooo”, and continued chewing.

The book of short poetry will alleged be published by Scholastic Books, so that “kids can learn from my experience,” and because “I’ve got a friend who knows a guy”. Scholastic Books could be contacted, but didn’t care enough to comment.

This is a Manifest

As any serious journalist ventures into the world of journalisting, it becomes necessary to create a Citizen Kane-esque manifesto, a statement of principles and a declaration of intent to the public, as they are such an awesome public that they deserve something like that. I AM THE PRESS is no exception.

---

MANIFEST 1: PREQUEL TO NOTHING

I. The News Will Not Lie Unless Necessary, Convenient, Funny, or Thursday.

II. The News Will Be Maintained Regularly or, Failing that, Semi-Regularly. Failing that, the News Will Not be Maintained Regularly.

III. The Press Will Wear A Hat While Newsing. The Press is Wearing a Hat Right Now, the Press Wishes You Could See it, Damn the Hat is Cool.

IIII. The Press Will Remain Neutral on All Issues, Even if One Side is Being a Dick and Deserves it but all the Other Sides are too Afraid to Tell it So.

---

This blog will strive to fulfill these ideals so that all readers can something something.