After Pluto’s Demotion, Luxembourg Fears Loss of Country Status

Luxembourg, Luxembourg - In the wake of the scientific communities’ decision to reclassify Pluto from a planet to a dwarf-planet, Luxembourg has voiced concerns that it may be next in an overzealous “second-look” of sorts. Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker, in his weekly address shouted out of his window, attempted to assuage the fears of the dozens of citizens in his nation, reminding them that, “Lesotho would probably go first.”

Several neighboring nations have apparently grown emboldened by the possible downgrade to dwarf-country, and Luxembourg’s borders have come under dispute for the first time since World War II. In response, all seven soldiers have been mobilized, armed with some lightly used 22s, “generously donated by the local Boy Scout Troop.” The troops say they are prepared to hold position for days at a time, citing that, “Mrs. Frieden is totally bringing us a pie later.”

Hoping to rally other nations to the small country’s aid, the ambassador to the UN, Sylvie Lucas, has brought cookies on at least three separate occasions. This kind of spending is almost unheard of in Luxembourg, and as a result the national deficit has almost tripled. The PM has a plan, however, to jumpstart the economy with a “stimulus plan”, which he says involves switching the local shop keep’s coffee from decaf to regular when he’s not looking.

I AM THE PRESS attempted to send reporters to the scene to ascertain more of the story, but the small nation’s even smaller airport was shut down for several days because the single air-traffic controller went to visit her cousin in the country (which we assume meant a different country). To simulate what it is most likely like over there, PRESS correspondent Kevin Forster locked four construction workers in a closet for three days and told them they weren’t a country. Bloodshed was quick, but decisive, as an attack on Luxembourg is likely to be.

The PM declined to speak with THE PRESS because he couldn’t plug his phone in at the same time as his stereo, and one of Luxembourg’s three bands released their sophomore album this week to lukewarm reviews.

Man Tweets Pain Before it Registers With His Head

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists are baffled today by Sanitation Manager Steven Jacobs, who was able to post an exclamation of pain to Twitter.com before the pain was actually transmitted to his brain. A report posted in E-Science Today makes mention of Jacobs’ increasing dependency on his new iPhone, which has made use of Apple’s apps to become fully integrated into his nervous system.

The tweet, which reads simply, “Just got out of the dentist, now to AHHHHHHHHH”, was posted last week as Jacobs exited Mental Dental on Garland Stove St. According to witnesses, several seconds after sending the tweet Jacobs took a few steps, then realized he had a nail sticking through his foot and collapsed to the ground. The iPhone reportedly never left his hand.

“Ever since I got my iPhone, I’ve become more and more connected to the internets,” said Jacobs, sitting in the emergency room at St. Anthony Hospital. “I’m on all of the popular sites, like Bebo and Friendster, and I’m downloading new apps all the time. Today I got one makes my phone into a lightsaber!”

The tweet, viewable at Twitter.com/NotAJanitor, has become fairly popular in its own right, being retweeted no fewer than three times in the hours following its posting. Several users have made comments in their retweets, including “FIRST!” and “FiRsT!” followed by “DaMn!”

Neurologists are interested in studying Jacobs to gain further insight into how technology interdependence affects the way the brain perceives its surroundings. In a rival article posted in Electronic Science Daily, researchers have attacked E-Science’s reports for “trolling” the rest of the scientific community, adding, “yeah, we saw The Matrix too”.

Jacobs was treated for his wounds, but refused treatment on his technology addiction or iPhone, which had been grafted onto his hand. He then made a joke about looking for Sarah Conner and left, refusing to answer any more questions. I AM THE PRESS would like to point out that Terminator references are too easy, and wishes he had instead told the doctors to “hack the Gibson”.

Band “Really Big Fan” of Guy in Third Row

Seattle, WA – Local band “Feigning Interest” was expecting a show like any other the night of January 9th, but were instead treated to a experience few bands get to enjoy; their show was visited by dedicated concert-goer Mitch Jaspers. I AM THE PRESS readers will likely recognize Jaspers as the Guy-in-the-Band-Shirt turned Mosh-Pit-Referee who popularized swinging your arm in a circle while not at a rodeo.

“I’ve always been a huge fan of that guy,” Feigning Interest front-man Todd Releana said of Jaspers. “He’s one of the reasons I got into music, and the chance to see him live was just incredible.” Releana was joined by bassist Zach Fields in his praise of the fan. “Back in my Dad’s day there was Hendrix’s fan, Tommy ‘Jumping Up and Down’ Stevens. I guess what I’m saying is, Jaspers is my generation’s Stevens.”

Jaspers used to tour with Portland- based band “Hunting Pilgrims”, but creative differences with their roadies caused a split that the band has never really recovered from. After a brief stint with “The Dutchmen” and a fateful brawl with “Justice Blind”, Jaspers made the move to Seattle and hasn’t looked back since. “After that, I made the move to Seattle and haven’t looked back since,” he was overheard telling a fellow mosher.

“I try to bring something unique to each show, so everyone can really take a different experience away with them,” Jaspers told interviewers after the show. “People come to a show to have a good time, and I appreciate that, but I think that needs to be balanced with my own desire to get my art out there.”

The new Feigning Interest album is set to release this Spring, and Jaspers is set to follow the tour for several months following. After that point, sources close to Jaspers have suggested he may strike out on a solo gig, though no one really knows what the hell that means.

Town Plagued by Striped Terror

Little Bend, SD – Multiple sightings have been reported over the past few weeks, in Little Bend, South Dakota, of a creature that cannot be immediately identified by zoologists. Witnesses have described the creature as something resembling a human, appearing only briefly, clad in stripes, and disappearing into crowds, or barber-pole factories.

Crypto-zoologists have been called to the scene (including one authority on the subject, Martin Handford), to see if any validity can be leant to the local rumors. Folk-lore from the area names the creature an Odlaw. The creatures of myth were said to appear to youngsters, cleverly hidden in plain sight, with no real purpose or motivation. Eventually, children would learn of their hiding places (which never changed) and would speed through, just to get to the end.

The Odlaw has been seen in various iterations, including female and dog-shaped. Speculation on this creature has abounded ever since the first Yllaw (Odlaw’s British cousin) was captured alive last year.

I AM THE PRESS would like to thank amateur photographer Rachel Spiegelman for her candid photo of the beast.

Champ Bailey Called For Inexcessive Celebration

Pittsburgh, PA -- Denver Broncos cornerback Roland "Champ" Bailey was fined $10,000 Sunday in his game against the Pittsburgh Steelers for what referees are calling “inexcessive celebration”, for running a 65-yard touchdown after an interception in the fourth quarter. Upon completing the touchdown, Bailey calmly placed the ball on the ground and returned to his team, where mild congratulations were exchanged between the defensive secondary.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin calls this a flagrant act of unsportsmanlike conduct. “My boys are playing hard out there, and that was an amazing interception. To not show any hint of celebration is a terrible offense to the players who are trying their hardest, like it was nothing.”

Fans are equally outraged. “No Lambeau Leap, no funky chicken, nothing,” complained lifelong Steelers fan Vince Johnson. “And after what Brian Celek did last week with Captain Morgan, it’s just shameful.”

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels has come out in defense of the cornerback. “It’s time to end the ‘inexcessive celebration’ rule. This is an issue that strikes at the very roots of the sport we all love. When a player makes an amazing catch or runs an impressive return, he has EARNED the right to be a little humble.”

McDaniels also presented a brief statement from Bailey, which simply stated that the player was sorry for any offense he had given, and was prepared to quietly pay the fine and let the matter settle, adding fuel to the anger of Steelers fans everywhere.

“This insult is disgraceful,” said Steelers wide-receiver Santonio Holmes, who was the intended receiver of the pass Bailey intercepted. “If Bailey doesn’t own up and at least tell us to fuck off, he’s lost all integrity as a professional athlete.”

John Madden could not be reached for comment because he has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

Feminists Angered by Male-Dominated Field of Being Clive Owen's Stunt-Double

Washington, DC -- Legislation was put before the House today to force desegregation of one of the least-regulated industries in America, being Clive Owen’s stunt-double. The "Case-United National Team" activist group released a statement saying that they believed this was a historic day for women’s equality in the workplace. Spokeswoman Silvia Nolan told I AM THE PRESS that, “finally, women will be able to portray the reckless, ill-advised risks of a man with the same gusto as reckless, ill-advised, risky men.”

Ever since the 2004 hit King Arthur, featuring the daring stunts of Robert Inch, being Clive Owen’s stunt double has been a completely male-dominated enterprise. Joining Inch’s ranks are the likes of James Grogan, Anthony Vincent II, and Ian Mclaughlin. The push for legislation was spurred by Joan Cantwell, the stunt-actress who alleged that she was forced off of production of 2007’s Shoot ‘Em Up when producers realized she was a woman. Which was totally true.

“We didn’t think Miss Cantwell’s feminine physique truly captured what it was to be Clive Owen killing a man with a carrot,” said Shoot ‘Em Up producer Rick Benattar. “It had nothing to do with her gender”. Cantwell alleged in her 2006 lawsuit that her gender had everything to do with her dismissal, but the California State Supreme Court sided with the movie’s producers, who continued production unheeded.

Cantwell could not be reached for comment. Clive Owen’s agent told I AM THE PRESS that Owen simply responded “Huh, what? Tea and biscuits, cheerio!”

Pundits are predicting a swift defeat for the bill, which will probably never emerge from committee. The message has already been sent, however, and has paved the way of change.

“We actually have a female stunt-double for Mr. Owen lined up for Inside Man II,” said executive producer Spike Lee. “But we’re not stopping there. We also hired a black stunt-double, because there's more than one front to this war.” Inside Man II is expected to crash at the box-office following attacks by hyper-conservative critics and intelligent critics alike.

Hugh Jackman Begins Sequel to Australia, Not Movie

Los Angeles, CA -- Stage and screen actor and producer Hugh Jackman announced at a press release today that he was ready to reveal a project that had thus far been secretly referred to as “Australia 2”. When asked when the movie was set to premier, Jackman corrected I AM THE PRESS, saying that he was planning a sequel to the Commonwealth set in the Southern Hemisphere. He was quick to confirm rumors that Nicole Kidman would not be reprising her role.

The project reportedly involves much of the original cast, though some members are being replaced due to other contractual obligations. Kevin Rudd will be continuing his role as Prime Minister, but Quentin Brice is being replaced as Governor General. No one has been officially slated as her replacement, but rumors say the position is being fought over by Michael Jeffery, the Governor General preceding Brice, and Eric Bana.

Jackman promises that the new Australia will “serve up all the thrills of the original, but with a more modern twist.” It is common knowledge that Australia was originally populated by criminals deported from the British Empire, and the current idea is much the same. “We want an authentic Australian experience, so we’ll be bringing in criminals and indigents from many countries originally belonging to the British Empire, including fan favorites like India and Ireland.” And the modern twist promised? “I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s a hint: electric digeri-somethings.”

Fans of the original Australia may be a little disappointed that some of the most celebrated aspects of the original will be falling by the wayside. For example, much of the wildlife has been a deeply respected part of Australian lore, but Jackman feels that they won’t have as large of a role in the “direction the new Australia is headed.” Diehard fans will be pleased with a bit of fan-service, however. “The platypus was originally a bit-character, created to fill-in space between real animals, but it’s become such a fan favorite that we decided to give it a more prominent role.” Other traditional Australian staples being dropped include cricket, gold mines, and Russell Crowe.

“Australia 2” is set to hit the Indian and Pacific Oceans as early as 2012, with an Atlantic Ocean version optioned by 20th Century Fox for the following year. Preorders are already being offered on Amazon.com, and special fan-packs are being offered (with a foreword by veteran Australian, Geoffrey Rush) on the official website, AustraliaTwoTheCountryNotTheMovie.com.